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Disaster Preparations

These days, it seems like everyone is preparing for something catastrophic. Whether is be a massive hurricane hitting the south east, a huge earthquake on the west coast, or if you a dooms day kind of person, you are doing your best to prepare for something that would drastically alter the way you live your day to day.

When I lived in San Francisco, my wife and I always devised some plan just in case things happened. Being that we are both amateur triathletes, we were both willing to go great lengths to evacuate the city if need be.

Me, "Alright babe... if you are downtown in the office, and I am in the Richmond district with the dogs, and the roads are closed to car traffic, I will put the dogs in a backpack carrier, and cycle over to Marin. If Golden Gate bridge is down, then I will just keep heading south until I hit Pacifica. You meet me in Marin first, unless the bridge is impassable... then Pacific."

For a short stint I was traveling to Texas for work, and their big concern was really the Arabs. "Man.. ISIS is going to attack us when we least expect it!" Texas still has some of the loosest laws when it comes to gun ownership as well. All it really takes to get a gun, is the ability to speak English and squiggly mark on a piece of paper, and just about everyone seems to have a concealed carry permit.

Our office there was always reiterating our "No guns in the office" policy, which most of the time meant we had Texans walking around the office with an empty holster on their hip. I learned real quick that it is generally unacceptable to reach under a bathroom stall wall to touch another man's pistol. "Hey Buddy! Nice piece!" not quite as accepting as the San Francisco crowd.

Another fun thing about Texas was the number of people carrying a "Bug out bag". The intent of a bug out bag is to carry essential items you'd need in case Arabs took over, Zomies were eating your kids, or you just needed to hide in general. Most of the time these contained items like dehydrated food, a survival knife, extra undies, and water purifying tablets. Again, the overarching purpose was to survive the worst of the worst situations.

One day, I decided I create my own bug out bag to keep in the office just in case shit hit the fan. Walked in the office one day with a normal backpack, loaded to the gills with what I thought was essential, and was asked LoriLynne, a true prepper, "Can I take a look?" Me, "Sure! wouldn't mind a second set of eyes."

She opened my backpack and just stared inside. Feeling a awkward sense of stillness in the air, I decided to fill the room with an explanation.

Me, "You see... I think you guys have this things all wrong. I would hardly consider dehydrated risotto 'Essential' to impending doom. That's why I've packed items I believe I will need in a '3 days left to live' scenario"

LoriLynne, "You have two handles of Jack Daniels, 6 packs of turkey jerky, and a dozen condoms..."

Me, "Well... I couldn't fit 3 bottle and needed space for the jerky..."

Her, "... and condoms?"

Me, "Well... just in case things happened to correct themselves, i would hate to be one of the last few people alive, have my pick of the women, only to reveal I have an STD" Which was again met with a blank stare...

Lately, with my "older years" in front of me, I have been thinking a lot about end of life planning. I am not so much referring to funerals or anything like that. I am more concerned at this point about meeting up with people who are essential to me in the afterlife. Heaven, and hell for that matter must be incredibly packed these days. Do the math on how many of your grandparents, great grandparents, great great grandparents, etc. are there going back 2000 years. The number is something staggering like 500,000,000 grandparents that it took meeting, banging, and maybe marrying, to get you here! All this means that there are a ton of souls wandering around looking for their friends, family and loved ones in a sea of eternity.

So... if you are reading this far... Meet me at the nacho stand in heaven... I'll be waiting there for anyone who shows.